Reverb

Just Life

2012-01-14T23:40:00.001-05:00

Some reasons why this life will never own me:
I see too many broad swaths of inequality.

Too much suffering owned by many, while the bills are clutched by few
Too much dying and pain and concern for "me" and not enough "you"

Too many people who go without for no good reason
Besides so we can feed our greed and amusement for a season

Too much waste on luxury while many need necessities
Too much focus on wealth and not enough on charities

Too much of my sinful nature shared by the population
Too many people waiting for God in the midst of tribulation.

Few things in life are fair, and fewer things are free
For every single smile, there are a hundred tears we never see.

The reason why this life is often duty and rarely anything more,
Is because sin's taken so much beauty that life had long before.

2012

2011-12-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in a room that doesn't feel like my ownAnd working on a post with a melancholy toneHaving come through the year that was more hell than heavenI gladly say farewell to the fading 2011I have fought with both my faith and sense of directionAnd tried so very hard to show Christlike affectionI've grown in some ways, and my vices tried to shelveNow I hope for so much more come 2012I am clueless as to why things have been such a fightI have fought with self and demons through many a nightI pray that God sees fit to set me down in greenCuz the desert of this year has been far too meanMaybe the past trials have been for my refinementBut I so badly desire some easier assignmentsWhatever comes my way in this year that is dawningI will need His strength for my resolve is yawning.The key to living every year with peace and joy intactI believe is to depend on God for everything I lack.If I can find the rest that I know God's gladly givingThrough this and every year to come, I'll have joy in simply living.

Reaching for the Son

2011-12-17T01:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough year. I have been stressed and ablaze with the angers and frustrations of a life unyielding to my will. It's really hard for me to remain joyful and content when I feel that my best laid plans always fall short, and my most heartfelt wishes won't be realized soon enough. I am an eager creature. What I want, I want greatly. I have had to exercise patience and a great deal of restraint and in doing so, a bit of my jovial inner child has died. I have traded sunshine for fire, and optimism for jaded determination. I don't want to become calloused and bitter even though life has been a fight as of late. I wish to remain me through adversity. With this purpose in mind, I will try to relinquish some of the fire for sunshine once more. I would like to shine a bit more in the midst of my storm. Maybe it will make life a bit brighter and the time pass just a bit quicker on the way to where God's taking me.

Life...get out of the way.

2011-10-28T22:04:00.003-04:00

I have been striving to lay a foundation for myself for more than a year..I have been trying to blaze a trail to the west and find employment. To my dismay and frustration, many of the opportunities that seemed promising at first have ended in emptiness and disappointment. I feel like a beast rattling its cage, trying to break free of its confines. The life that is keeps hindering me from living the life I so desperately desire. Now, I feel closer than ever to the realization of a dream...and yet somethings still make me feel so far away. Life has been such a dirge. I have grown to hate what it is and wish for what isn't. I just want what I want for once and to be happy and at peace, but life keeps preventing that simple dream, and I keep fighting to attain it. In a weeks time I will either be on the road to success or fighting the frustrations and anger that come with another failure and unchanged circumstance.

Fighter

2011-09-25T04:23:00.005-04:00

Laid straight, I'm in conflict against many different variables. I'm constantly trying to subdue my own despicable nature, fighting to procure the funds for a much needed relocation, and endlessly trying to squelch the waves of melancholy and anger that lap at the doorstep of my heart each day. I've felt like I have served my sentence of unpleasant circumstances by now, but for some reason I am still...stuck. I'm trying to learn patience, love, self-control, and contentment but I fear I am doing a poor job. I want God to help me learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to from this ordeal so that it can be over. I'm tired of fighting so much to just maintain...I just want peace and to not have to fight anymore. Maybe that's too much to ask for this side of heaven and hell. Maybe I'll just have to keep fighting so as not to loose myself to the hatred of this life I feel growing inside of me. Maybe I'll have to keep fighting just to be able to thank God for the things I do have. Maybe I'll have to just fight on to be the Godly man she needs me to be, and maybe I'll have to fight to not prove all those people right who say I'm naive, passionate, and closed minded. Maybe this life is actually more about the surrender to God than the fight...perhaps if I can figure that part out, I can finally stop fighting.

God Hears the Crying Heart

2011-09-17T05:15:00.002-04:00

God vindicates Himself all to often when He is under no such obligation to do so. Recently, He showed me (yet again) that He is always there for me and loves me regardless of if feel it or not. It's beautiful and also makes me feel so foolish for doubting such a pure and loving being as God. I DON'T understand His methods or even how they work, but I have experienced them too many times to continue to doubt their effectiveness! By His strength ad spirit, I need to develop a holy memory of His blessings and allow these to catch my slipping foot when I am pushed back by waves of doubt.

Existence

2011-09-13T20:44:00.001-04:00

Life has been much toil and little joy in the past months. Many times, after feeling as though I had a grasp on the difficulty which assailed me, I was blindsided by a new dilemma or problem to be solved and simplified yet again. My words have oft been curses and my voice a yell because of the pain and exasperation I feel at the hands of fate and a silent God. I’m trying to do what I know to be the “right” thing, but like David, I see the path of the wicked or even morally neutral every day, and it is not fraught with the difficulties, rather it seems to be filled with blessings and carefree existence. I trouble myself to try and serve a “kind”, “loving”, and “attentive” God and I feel nothing but fatigue, longing, stress and intense palpable anger at my own powerlessness to change the circumstances of my life!
WHY?!
Why is it that in my times of greatest need can hear the voice of my God least? What do I do that I am not presently, to tap into this store of Christian energy and strength that enables people to charge into battle and immerge victorious time and time again? I know that I WANT to be holy and blameless and joyfully resilient, but I can’t do it! And as if the pressures of life weren’t enough already, they are compounded by the affects of my inability to cope with them.
I can see the person I wish I were…I can see that happy character, regardless of circumstance, always lending an uplifting word and never showing the slightest sign of doubt or fatigue. He loves completely and selflessly. He serves God without question…He seems to be everything I am not, and from the disconnect between who I am and who I wish I were spawns an intense hatred of myself and my existence. If I am destined to fall short of the expectations of all I love than why was I brought into this hellish and broken life? I didn’t ask to be some standard bearer on a rebel planet ruled by the demonic originator of evil. I did not request to be flung into battle against the hosts of hell with every waking moment, and every time I try to do right. Why is this fight mine?!!!
There is no passive stance. Even surrender to God is a fight. The peace spoken of in the Bible is a theory and a concept foreign to me. I have none. All I know is discord, stress, warring nature, and defeat. I don’t feel holy and I don’t feel loved.

ALL I want is for God to show me what this is about, what I can do to get through it, and to please just give me the strength, faith, and love that I need to come through a righteous man and husband….

Bleed earth to my unyielding grasp

2011-09-13T13:51:00.004-04:00

Digging in. Enough ground has been lost...progress will come. I can not promise that I will proceed with grace but, I won't loose anymore to this hell I'm in. As the saying goes "death before dishonor" and I can truly see how the former could be preferred. God does not abandon those striving to serve and escape the vacuum of iniquity that is this life so I am entrusting my soul and happiness to Him. If He does not bring me through than I will die here, for my spirit can't survive the loss of this, its truest dream.

Breaking up the soil

2010-12-23T13:54:00.003-05:00

Some say there is a powerful benefit to be reaped of propagated positivity in the fields of ones mind. That though your surroundings may be less than ideal, if you focus on the good, it will produce a blessed harvest. But what is to be done when, in the midst of disappointment, circumstances have hardened the soil to such a degree that no pick, shovel, or mattock you posses, can break through. When all our efforts and attempts at coping seem to only further beset your path with difficulty and obstacles. When no matter how much you pray, work, yell, or weep nothing changes and progress is negligible and at times retroactive. I've watered the grounds with my sweat, blood, and at times tears and it drinks it up and still remains unyielding. Part of me wants to lay down the spade and shovel, and the other would continue to dig. Whether I love it or hate it, things don't change, and perhaps now, I have to push through..regardless of my perceived progress. A new year is on the horizon...maybe with it will come some Rain.

Directive

2010-11-15T22:46:00.003-05:00

I have this vague idea of what I want in life. My aspirations are high, but I can't find a suitable vehicle to get me to them. I find enjoyment in a variety of activities none of which have proven career worthy or apt for supporting a wife and children. The course I know take is just not what I want, and honestly I don't even know if it will bring me success and peace in the end. It might just be what I have settled on for lack of a better option. I am unsatisfied, but the things of this world offer no real relief or sense of accomplishment. Why are all of my fondest dreams those which are apparently impossible? My goals are those that I do not know if I can attain, and if I am meant to, I haven't the slightest on how to go about doing so. I need God to do something astoundingly lucid! I need Him to just tell me in the most clear and distinct fashion what His plans for my life are. And then, if His direction is contrary to my desires I need the strength to stay the course...I hate milling about in uncertainty. I thrive when given a clear-cut unambiguous directive.

The Most Terrible Force

2010-10-20T08:27:00.002-04:00

With distance from the object, it only grows stronger. It can drive you to chase after the four winds in search of its reciprocation, and leave you devastated should it be betrayed.
I can't escape the doleful fact that it is presently beyond my physical reach. I am harassed by my memories of its sweet fellowship, and teased by the many displays of those around me who still enjoy its company...and I ache to regain mine.
Like a caged beast yearns to return to its native jungle and thicket, so do I burn to re-live the days of our ambrosial communion, and I ache to enter into a new stage of solidarity with her...
The most affecting force I know is love, in its emotional and deified form. The object of my love is worlds and oceans away from me, and I simply want her back...

Life in Between

2010-10-12T02:09:00.003-04:00

It is the constant preoccupation with that which will distract sufficiently, for there is little that truly satisfies. It's a steadfast struggle to stay content. It is in spite of and against odds. Along with the finding what it is that makes you feel most complete, there comes a realization that nothing else can take it's place. So when forced to exist without it, I must distract myself from examining the hole left by it's absence. This endeavor only further enlightens me to the fact that only one form fills the empty space...

So they say....

2010-10-04T17:45:00.002-04:00

Those who say "it gets easier"
Or
"It'll be over before you know it"
Are either lying or have never actually been through the same experience.

..but their attempts at consoling me are appreciated.

In this life...

2010-10-03T10:44:00.003-04:00

You fight a little...
You cry a little...
You shout a little...
You break a little...
You bleed a little...
You shout a little more...
But
You should love a lot...
You should learn a lot...
You should pray a lot...
And then you should love even more.

The wounds of life heal, if you go to the Doctor
Besides
I like scars.

Beautiful Collaboration

2010-09-29T21:08:00.003-04:00

It is a beautiful thing when the girl you love can lead you into a deeper understanding and appreciation for the gifts of God (herself included) and, in so doing, cause you to fall into a deeper and more meaningful love with her. It's just amazing when God gives you this amazing person who makes you better in every way possible, and also causes you to love Him more. I am so blessed to be in this exact situation at present. All I can say is "wow" and "thank-you Lord". I don't deserve Him and I don't deserve her, but I greatly love'em both!

Judges

2010-09-26T15:31:00.004-04:00

If you so desire, take a step back and believe yourself to be separate from the human experience...
Pretend that you are the epitome of reason and flawlessly paced progression in every stage of life, and that everything you do is accompanied by careful calculation and reasoning...that you are flawless in every aspect of the game of life, and an experienced player suited to critique others style.
Done?
Good.
From this sanctimonious sphere of reference observe me.
My proclivity to reach a decided conclusion at a faster rate than most, you take as a hurried existence. The intensity with which I love, you take for infatuation. My random outburst of joyous noises and actions you take for immaturity. And my attempts at benevolence you consider to have ulterior motives...
From your elevated and perfect perch, you look upon my life of pitiful mistakes and make the accurate observation that I am something entirely different from you...a sinner.
You view me as an impulsive creature of whim, and little contemplation. One possessing tunnel vision regardless of the circumstances surrounding the object in focus.

I will not bother to refute or argue with you as to the reasons behind my at times frantic way of life. I will simply live it, and upon attaining those things for which I strive, I will be vindicated by One greater than myself and a life lived for Him.
Meanwhile...
You have built yourself a throne on the foundation of your own merit...
You have chosen to use yourself as the bar by which to evaluate all others and in doing so have engineered your own destruction.
For by assuming ourselves to be perfect or already immaculate, we overlook the glaring inconsistencies betwixt our life, and God's law. We forget the fact that we have at times past fallen victim to the universal ailment of the flesh, and come short of glory.
Only the hand of God fashions the structures that endure all eternity.
Only He is Perfect and worthy to judge all creatures in existence.
So judge if you must, but know that in so doing you are condemning yourself.

Plight of the Pace-car

2010-09-19T00:47:00.000-04:00

Every day he watches the others race by at blinding speeds. Some ending in disastrous crashes and ruin, but others in glory and satisfaction of the most fulfilling kind. They gun their engines to the limit of their revolutions. They burn fuel in baffling quantities. Their lover is speed, and risks their many concubines.
He is summoned only when the voice of reason need be heard. He subdues the burning spirits, and holds at bay the wave of sweltering metal, pounding pistons, and burning rubber that is the race cars.
He is the pace car.
Never has he tasted the sweet and intoxicating nectar of sheer unrestrained speed. Oh to leave behind the role of regulator and join the rebellious onslaught of the accelerated!
But alas, his is a role, not of choice, but of obligation for in releasing the thunderous cries of his own bolstered engine, he forfeits the one thing for which he desires to race. It is through this lethargic progression that he draws closer to the finish line which he seeks.
There is no other speed at which he can approach the checkered flag, so he goes on as he knows best; at the speed of a pace car, with the heart of a race car.

Greco-Roman Construction

2010-09-19T00:18:00.000-04:00

Watch his motions closely..
Though apparently impulsive, intense, and unguided, the observant spectator will notice that every act is done to ensure the fruition of a beautiful existence.
His conceptualized paradise exists, at present, only within the convoluted passages, and corners of his mind.
His thoughts have ventured the endless realm of possibility even more than the critics have critiqued his lack of contemplation.
Where the most commonly traveled roads now lay, there was once nothing but a vast expanse of nature and wilderness.
Until they who saw the potential for the sprawling metropolises of today blazed the trail through the apparently unfit, there was noting of value there.
His venture is reminiscent of their intrepid expeditions into the unknown.
Though far less substantial in the scope of its impact, it is important to him.
Do not be hasty to pass negative judgement on him for knowing what it is he wants and his willingness to build it.
The bold thrive on adversity, though oft they waver at its initial opposition to their journey.
His intention is to prove by success. Let the fires of skepticism lick at what it is he builds and having been of none effect die to the deafening cry of its durability.
Let the ages proclaim and echo the vindicating song, sung from the highest level of this emotional edifice he know lays hammer and nail to.

A Modern Parable

2010-09-19T00:16:00.002-04:00

As you enter your home you notice that nothing is where you left it and everything appears rummaged through. While you survey the situation thoughts flash through your mind as to who could have done this, and then you are summoned to a frantic level of awareness by the thought that they might still be there. You call the police but don't know how long it will be before they arrive. Your present dilemma is whether to wait for the authorities, or take matters into your own hands and "clear the house"...
Though untrained, ignorant, and unprepared for the unknown you decide to venture deeper into a once familiar dwelling which now seems as foreign to you as a forest at midnight. While you creep through corridors, and hallways, you see that nothing has been taken. As you round a corner and catch sight of your room, a shadow vanishes as soon as your gaze hits the half-open door. Your heartbeat instantly rises, and begins a forceful rhythm, pounding on the inside of your chest. Rather than leave the house, now knowing of the intruders presence, you slowly make your way to the door. You reach the doorway. As you reach out your hand to fully open the door, it is quickly flung open. On the other side you are surprised to see familiar eyes starring back at you...
The eyes are your own; the intruder bears striking resemblance to the resident...
While you stand there shocked at what you behold, they lunge forward with a yell knocking you to the ground. This attack, though unexpected, informs you of the fact that this person is not there for your possessions, but your life. You struggle to loose yourself of their grip, but they fight as though they knew your intentions, and movements in advance.
You momentarily break free of their hold, and throw them to your side. You bury a firm blow in their ribs, and scramble for the door. To your surprise they are not slowed by your strikes. They swipe at your foot, and trip you before you can escape. You panic, wishing you had awaited the arrival of the authorities. You realize that your assailant now holds brandishes a knife with the words "Old Man of Flesh" engraved on the blade.
You are now fully aware of the gravity of this fight. From this struggle, only one may emerge alive.
Your attacker takes a purposed swipe at you with the blade. You barely avoid it by side stepping. You contemplate leaving the house to escape your assailant, but shake the though from your mind, convincing yourself of your ability to handle the situation.
The next attack leaves you cut, but only mildly. You are wearying, but sense no such signs of fatigue in your opponent. Desperation is setting in and now you are realizing you weren't prepared for this. This revelation comes to late however.
Your aggressor swipes at you once again, and while you avoid being cut, you are put off balance. In this instant, they hurl their shoulder to your chest and you are flung to the ground. You see them circling you with an unsettling air of confidence about them. They make a fatally intended decent, blade in hand and aimed at your heart, and you close your eyes bracing for the sharp and precise impact...

When you open your eyes, you are standing in the foyer of the house. You see the same disorderly scene as before. You have full memory of the instances which just occurred...and you proceed yet again.

Faith is never so foolishly spent as when it is wasted on one's own ability and merit. We can not fight this battle against our flesh on our own, for by doing so we seal our own fate. We will fall victim to our own sinful nature time and time again.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

In plain language, wait for Those who are prepared to subdue the intruder.

Heat

2010-08-19T17:17:00.000-04:00

I've heard it said that to get to heaven, sometimes you have to go through hell. In many ways, I can agree with this. Please don't think me negative in outlook, but it has been made evident to me by my religious and life experiences that often before the freedom comes the flame. If the heat can be withstood it lends a petrified state to those who endure, but the same flame that hardens destroys. It has become my focus to discover the path of passage which lends refinement rather than ashes, for I am at present faced with an inferno of sorts...and no, as always, it's not what you think.

Ambiguous post of General Thought

2010-08-13T22:48:00.000-04:00

Because I can't say it, my body temperature will rise as I consume the words which never escaped the chambers of my mind. Because it is not allowed, I will exhaust my physical energies in diverting my attention from restricted pursuits. Because I can't have it, I will look about to see the beauty that already pervades my life. Because I don't want it, I might be an island anchored far below the surface to a cone with a molten throat, and because I can't put it here, this is what I wrote.

With every glimpse of improvement should come the recognition of areas requiring more. This leaves room for future improvement and can cause you to continue to rise to greater heights.

People would benefit greatly if they were to simply shift their frame of reference to that of their fellow man. They would quickly see things in a more all inclusive light, and seek out solutions to problems which satisfy the general needs of those around them. Few could, in good conscience, stay seated in their seat at the center of the universe while a chaotic world revolved around them.

I enjoy making people happy...call me crazy.

I don't mess up as much as I could, but I mess up more than I'd like

?

2010-07-31T19:36:00.000-04:00

Recently I've noticed that I always want to do those things that I am either not physically capable of, or those that aren't terribly prudent. This in turn cultivates uneasy feelings of unrest, and a strange sort of ambition.

It would seem that I, in my deepest parts, am anything but human. It's like my deepest desires are born of something entirely...else.

I wonder if this is just the residual desire of a being fallen from glory, and dying to return....

Just Be...

2010-07-13T23:07:00.001-04:00

To be in a place where the fight is over, and we are who we were meant to be...(sigh).

So far from here...

Goodnight.

Simple Vent

2010-07-13T20:43:00.000-04:00

If this seems angry or a tad bit heated it's because it is! This day started out in a rather indifferent fashion then, it just decided to act out like a child throwing many small but aggravating tantrums. At the end of the day I found myself asking the question, "would I rather have faced one large disappointment or the flurry of smaller annoyances which was my day?"
...to be honest, I don't even know if it would have made a difference, because either way an air of annoyance would have probably settled heavy my mood.
I was not altogether surprised by the misfortunes of the day, because in the face of certain changes that I have felt impressed to make for the better, isn't it just fitting of life to throw so many forks in the road that not only do you get flat tire(s), but you hope it rains spaghetti? At present, I am out of words to describe how I feel, and lacking in the energy to find more....so excuse this abrupt ending to what has probably been quite the downer of a post.
Hopefully the sun'll come out tomorrow and I'll have something shoe-shuffle, and whistle worthy by then.

When You Look At Me

2010-07-11T23:26:00.000-04:00

I am lost in them
Those round and dazzling spheres of intuition and charm
I am completely disarmed by them.
They need not pry the secrets of my heart, for in their presence, my deepest thoughts leap forth to be revealed in total disclosure.
I
am
not
deserving
Of their beauty, nor the affection which is emitted from them for....
me.
To look full into them is to see everything in myself that I hope to be, and all that I desire to extract, for the purity which flows unrestrained from them is so penetrating, and convicting in nature that it can bring me to my knees as I beg for the strength to keep ALL harm from you; both from within and outside of myself.

They are the sweetest gift, the flawless rays that lighten up my day.
They are perfection all bound in shinning muscle,nerve, and more.

They are your eyes, and they are ever glorious and all encompassing in attraction and beauty.

Intransigent Being

2010-07-09T20:40:00.001-04:00

Says the ant unto its maker "Toil I on from dusk till dawn"
Says the cue ball to the breaker, "I am fit so strike hereon"
Says the needle to the Seamstress, "mend thy tears and patch frayed holes"
Says this man to God the Righteous "I refuse to yield my soul"

Through human knowledge and earthly strength, I am not that for which I was created. Only by the grace of God, and with His might can my nature be abated.

Publicly Posted Soliloquy

2010-07-08T13:14:00.001-04:00

Aha.....haha
This just keeps getting better
Those things that I had thought might not go through, have indeed fallen short.
I play the perpetual optimist for in doing so, I maintain sanity, but sometimes, for like a split second, I just feel like being a realist...then I remember...
My character, personalty and very genetic make-up are not at all suited for that perspective...furthermore (there's always more...it's just that sometimes I don't feel like typing it, nor do I know how) my God, according to human perception, is anything but realistic... awesome fact and reason to refuse realism, or a crutch the size of Rhode Island for me to lean on and ignore the apparent lack of evidence to aim for certain goals I have.... heheh I'll go with the former. Thanks for listening...

No problem.

Good Morning...Let's Set it on Fire...

2010-07-08T06:18:00.000-04:00

The saying,"there is nothing new under the sun" creeps into my mind like the bits of light which now creep through my window and repel the literal army of shadows that have overrun my room. I awoke to this day before the sun's fire dance could be seen, and now I wonder what is it that makes today unique from any other? Will it by some Divine act, yields an epiphany to this starved child of routine, or bring the refreshing rains of acquaintances missed? I lay here thinking to myself "I would love to run through the glades of the extraordinary today; to gallop on that black horse of my imagination and take flight on my wildest dreams made reality by..." therein lies my problem... I know no human means by which to attain the goals my mind has set for its ultimate satisfaction. Even those which can be described as possible, seem so far out of my reach, or at least in the far to distant future.
SO...this morning from the lips of a repeat offender in the universe of fallen man, and from the lack-luster mind of one sick of the deluge of mediocrity that is my existence, and the swim through unsavory ideas that is my daily journey. With clinched fists and gritted teeth to the heart of a wounded warrior, and with every beat of that same dieing heart I cry out from inside of my God-given mental-space to the Giver.....

Blow my mind today with the revelation of only a fraction of what You are capable of, for all of You, would end my life. In a Mosaic fashion I want You to dazzle me!

Epicenter of Suffering

2010-07-03T19:05:00.001-04:00

A race capable of macabre malignance and malevolent desires
And capable still, of compassion in polar opposite contrast
The same hand that pulls the trigger, places the blow, and buries the blade
May come full circle to protect the harassed, mend the wound, and calm the spirit.

What is it that drives one to become a hardened scenic and pessimist
Having been exposed to the same hardships, and toils of the petrified optimist?
Why do those seeking the alleviation, of those suffering from the human condition
Receive a battery of discouragement and undue opposition,
While the contributors to the pool of social refuse are welcomed often times
With profound adulation, as the righteous dwell in solitude born of derision.

What is the human condition?
Were it that of externally directed consideration, the crisis of this age wouldn’t be.
Were it a pervading air of philanthropy, few would be the cries of the hungry
And the bellies bloated of starvation in greed induced desolation.

I do not believe that people live in such condition out of laziness
I believe that mankind is so internally focused, and driven by immediate personal gain
That without having methods of compensation, a country with gross excess of means
Would sooner allow them to go to waste on the shelf of grocery stores than donate them
To a humanitarian cause.
This too me is the human condition.
Our inability to see beyond our own hierarchy of needs.
But our condition is but a symptom of a universal malady which is
Beyond the effect of modern medicine. It is supernatural in origin,
Thus it demands the attention of the Divine Physician, who alone posses the cure
I can’t claim exemption from the human condition and it’s source
I know only the method by which one can be freed of it
Though at times I choose not to use it

In closing I suppose this to be an introspective look at the shortfalls of a race
As seen from one of it’s prime perpetrators. Perfection is beyond my finite reach,
But should I someday, become wise enough and disgusted by my own abominable state
The doors of His clinic are perpetually open to those awakened to their state
In the hour when we realize why we are devoid of true love,
We will be at the threshold of an age where the human condition is no more.
Instead we will reflect an image that can do noting but seek the ultimate good of those around it
And in doing so benefits itself ultimately

Seeing where I want to be

2010-06-27T23:37:00.001-04:00

Even though it was 93 degrees outside and sunny, today started out an overcast day. I received rather discouraging news while having a teleconference between my father, brother, and myself. It appeared as though I wouldn't be able to return to my school for my senior year, putting me behind by at least a semester and possibly forcing me to return home...all of the above possibilities were totally undesirable at this point in my life. I have set goals for myself which I would very much so like to accomplish over the next few years, and finishing my college education is one of the most important ones, upon which many of the others are dependent. The success of my future, as it appears to my finite and young speculation, is contingent upon me finishing my time at my university and procuring my degrees. After languishing in bed at the thought of having to plan a less than ideal 6-12 months, I had a devotion, and prayer in which I earnestly entreated God to provide a way for me to return to Southern for my final year(s). I was impressed to apply once again for a loan which my credit had been insufficient to receive earlier. I had planned on doing this, just not until the end of the summer... I almost didn't do it, but I said to myself, "all they can do is say no again." After putting in all my information and praying multiple times before proceeding to the credit check, I actually couldn't believe my eyes when the screen showed that I had been approved for the loan...I was elated and just blown away by the grace of God to this sinful individual who constantly falls short of His expectations...I knew that had I not been able to return to school, I still wouldn't have had the right to complain (though I would have been very inclined to do so) because I would still be far more blessed than many people on this planet. Like a lightning rod, I am just struck over and over again by God's grace. After I found out I was approved, it was like a the clouds had cleared and for just a second later that night, I could see how beautiful it could be after everything falls into place if I follow God's leading...It's going to take some work to get there though...

Hibernation of the Halcyon

2010-06-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

Life has, as of recent years, transitioned from a more carefree state, to being permeated by necessitous tasks and littered with situations which demand near immediate attention to avoid tiny crisis. Thinking on summers long gone, I can recall them being filled with lazy afternoons, the frivolous pursuit of childish amusement, and the simple joys of having to adhere to no rigid schedule. My summers in the past few years have been focused on working and making enough money to persuade my university to allow me to return for yet another year of education. I can remember when I was home-schooled and woke up minutes before noon to prepare a breakfast worthy of a king, or at least a duke, and then proceeded to watch Sesame Street and The Price is Right, before quickly completing the HW left for me by my parents before they returned home from work...or my high school years where I could coast through classes and maintain an honor roll GPA, while devoting most of my efforts to enjoying the part of school which I have always valued the most..the people.
Now life provides less room for this dolce far niente that I treasured so much. I notice the luxury of carefree existence slipping through my fingers, to be replaced by obligation and practicality.
It isn't that I fear or dislike work. I suppose I just feel as though I have to change my expectation for what life will send my way. I have to assume the mindset of one who will have to work substantially to reach those goals that I have set. I am not so fortunate as to be born into an affluence which would allow me to maintain carefree behavior well into my adult years.
I accept that such things must be, for this is the hand which has been dealt me, but I refuse to become calloused, jaded, or grave due to the demands of life. I would much rather retain my jovial spirits and playful vigor, for in doing so I believe it will be an asset to me when the duties of life weigh down on me hard.
Besides, should I yield to the demand for a more work oriented attitude, it will, hopefully, pay off in end with yet another stage of blissful inactivity....

It all depends on ?who? takes the shot...

2010-06-19T23:33:00.001-04:00

A trigger is designed for the purpose of setting in motion a chain of events which are intended to end with the cessation of a life...however it is not the trigger that does the killing, that's the woeful duty of the bullet. I, along with every other person in existence, am a trigger. We are, by our actions placing ourselves in the hands of God or Satan. Though the tiny and seemingly insignificant actions and gestures we perform from day to day rarely cause the immediate death of individuals in our lives, they can be little catalysts propelling people in either a positive or negative direction. We may never even come in contact with the "bullet" but we can be the ones responsible for its flight. Every action no matter how small tends toward the edification or razing of those in our live. I would rather be a weapon in the hands of God, a warrior of justice and righteousness, then a tool in the hands of a being who is the sole cause of suffering and pain in life...

So...how fast was I going?

2010-06-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

IT SEEMS LIKE LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I DIDN'T WANT THE THINGS THAT I COULDN'T HAVE. I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TRYING TO TAKE HOLD OF THINGS THAT ARE MILES BEYOND MY REACH. WHAT I WOULD DO FOR A SENSE OF CONTENTMENT; FOR A PERFECT SATISFACTION WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE. I LOOK AT THE ACCOUNTS OF PAUL IN THE BIBLE, AND DEEPLY DESIRE TO KNOW THE TOTAL PEACE THAT HE HAD, NO MATTER THE SITUATION, BUT THESE COMPACT LITTLE FIRES BURN INSIDE ME WITH A HEARTFELT INTENSITY AND THE MATERIALS TO QUENCH THEM ARE NOT YET ATTAINABLE. GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SOMEWHERE OFF IN THE DISTANT YEARS, I WILL BE ABLE TO DOUSE THE FIRES WITHIN BUT UNTIL THEN I IMPLORE GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON IN SPITE....IN SPITE OF THE INTERNAL ACCELERATOR THAT'S ALWAYS DEPRESSED BY THE LEAD FOOT OF MY NATURE; IN SPITE OF THE CALLING TO BE A THOUSAND PLACES OTHER THAN WHERE I AM; IN SPITE OF THE DESIRE TO EXPERIENCE STAGES OF LIFE THAT AREN'T AVAILABLE TO ME. I AM A VIPER IN A LAND OF NEONS; I AM WIRED TO GO FAST...I JUST HOPE GOD CAN HELP ME ENJOY THE MANY BLESSING HE HAS SCATTERED ALONG THE ROAD AND AT ALL THE TINY PIT STOPS ON THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION...

Sweetness of Night

2010-06-16T04:51:00.000-04:00

What is it that keeps me visiting these early morning hours?
What demands my consciousness when outside, creation sleeps?
Simply put, I remain awake because at this time I can commune with an Angel!
I loose nothing in this exchange, but I gain everything.
To bathe in the warm glow of her visage is more refreshing than a thousand sleeps.
The purity that radiates her smile, and the soothing tones of her voice...
They resonate in my mind long after we have reluctantly said "goodnight"
After our delightful dialog is done, I lay awake rehearsing the words she spoke
And dreaming of our next encounter...

This Storm is Me

2010-06-15T18:26:00.000-04:00

The indecisive wind, that comes in heavy gusts, and soft sighs
The bleak grey that slowly fills the formerly blue skies
The drops that tentatively begin to fall, then tumultuously drown out the winds cry
The lightening's silent rage, and the thunder's deafening reply

This inclement weather is nature's reflection
Of my travailing spirit due to distant affection.

Walking into the Wind

2010-05-28T21:21:00.000-04:00

My form is indefinite and changing as observed from a distance.
I am disheveled and unkempt..but my progression is notable.
My head is angled down, and my feet dig into the ground with every step.
I bend my knees to place my feet, and lock them out and push forward to gain ground...
I am not weary
I am not tired
Frustrated....barely.
I am tried
And the intention is to be refined and found worthy
I have determined my path
Once, in the distance, apparently in a clear serene valley , I saw a road which beckoned my feet to walk it...
After the first few steps I caught glimpse of a glorious destination at road's end..but for only an instant, for my eyes were shut by a howling wind which blew in direct opposition to my desired path.
While my eyes stayed clinched closed, the image of that place, that oasis amidst an arid existence, was clear in my mind, and it fueled my body in its progression...and it burns rich yet.
This wind has been the one constant in my journey. It has always bid me return to the place from whenst I came, but I still see the image...
As I fight this invisible force, I know that what is distant, is worth my toils.
I have evaluated, speculated, and contemplated what is now before me, what lies behind, and what is my immediate surrounding.
All these drive me forward.
I am set against the wind. I have faltered, but not fallen. I am wearied but not yet exhausted...
Let winds howl, whip, and push against me...for the force by which I am driven is greater than this wind which I now advance into.

Still Breathing...

2010-05-21T19:14:00.000-04:00

It has a slow progression whether I watch the clock and mark off each day on the calender or not...Not what I expected, and more difficult to endure in light of recent revelations. I want to just vanish, and reappear in a parallel universe light-years away where life just happens the way I picture it in my mind. I am a shop trying not to shut down. I am rapidly losing the ability to define what it is that I want except for a choice few unchanging desires. I am resilient, yet this....this is harder to put aside as I progress down an already uncertain road. God knows what I want, what I do, and what is, are often some of the most dissimilar things in my life....I'm a type of Paul, just no where near his level of spiritual connection to God. I am one in a million...this becomes more evident with every passing day. Unique can be lonely.
I write this knowing full well it will make little sense to those who read it...but it's written for me...I can say though, that I am blessed beyond measure. I have health, life, and people who truly care about me. But I lack stability just left of center...it's crazy how much the heart can dictate the mood, or health of the rest of the being. Sleep, is an odd occurrence. At times it brings visions of my greatest hopes...and at others it provides images of my worst fears. Sometimes my dreams just lack any hint of logic or sense.
The sum of my best efforts and intentions is sometimes zero. I am not going to give up or yield to this seeming onslaught of unfavorable circumstances though. So long as I can hold to the unchanging hand of God, I can place one foot in front of the other in hopes of progress. There is yet light at the end of this tunnel, and I will continue until I reach it, or until there is nothing but darkness. Resilience must become my closest ally. Love is still my strongest motivator...for God, and for others.

This isn't over...it comes in stages and breaks upon the pillars of my being as waves do a rocky shore; should the edifice of my soul remain steadfast upon one of two conclusions, then it will have been well worth it and I shall at last find that peace of love for which I so intensely yearn.

Thankfully Risen

2010-05-08T19:40:00.000-04:00

This day started slowly...
Many times I turned over in my half-made bed trying to obtain a few more seconds of sweet sleep.
I was unready to rise when my feet hit the floor, and unwilling to walk when I opened my door.
In retrospect,I am glad That I did because if I hadn't, a plethora of blessing would have been missed.
I would have missed a message at church which ignited a small flame within me to do more to take the love of Christ to a thirsting world, and make no mistake about it, they are thirsting...
I would have been deprived the opportunity to fellowship with part of my church family and close friends...
I wouldn't have been able to converse with the object of my affection for a few precious hours..
I wouldn't have been able to take in the beauty of nature which a loving God has graciously provided to me...
I wouldn't have been able to commune with my Creator, and patient Savior...

For these and many other reasons, right now...
I am thankful that He caused me to rise.

Compendium #2

2010-05-07T14:12:00.000-04:00

At present I am typing this vapid post which will provide maybe one other person ;) with some reading material which is fine with me because the writing of it was enjoyably done while listening to a song by the Kooks....I like the Kooks. Every now and then Myphone would sing out in jazzy tones that I had received a text message from an adorable person, and a few other not so adorables teehee. I am simply determined to do an absurd amount of writage over this summer due to the fact that a certain someone won't be around, so I must keep busy so as to stay out of trouble,and keep my mind from wandering down the sadness inducing streets of my thoughts filled with memories of her. The Sabbath readily approacheth, and i look forward to trying to get a bit of quality time in with my God, who btw, has been extremely merciful and gracious as of late (being the past 20 years of my life)...If you didn't know already, God is just awesome and blesses people so much more than they deserve..I'm raising my hand right now because that last sentence was definitely about me. Ifn you did know, tell a friend (or stranger)...Well that's aboot it for now. I think I am off to explore the great outdoors of a place not all together unfamiliar to me.
Toodle Pips!!

* all misspellings and made up words in this post were intended...except for the ones that were accidents.

Popcorn Jelly Beans...

2010-05-07T14:10:00.000-04:00

I like 'em...found out yesterday. Go thou and figure!

Earth Angel...

2010-04-07T06:34:00.000-04:00

This week has raged about like a drunkard in the night, and sought to leave me despondent and broken, but alas, my mind is intact thanks to a Godsend...my Angel. God's direction and providence seem to come clear only when I am at the point of surrender, then He steps in, the bout-ender, and brings peace to my soul, if not for but one round, He picks me up off the ground. I am in awe of the way He has used this Glorious soul to bless mine. In contemplation of the excess of this blessing, I come nigh to breaking my mind...(sigh). I am rejuvenated weekly to face the fire, of another trial, test, or social mire by this angelic presence. I know that God's timing is correct, I just have to keep my connect to the spring from which all knowledge, goodness, and power flows, and in His cleansing stream, sink far below, drown and die to self, that I may rise...In Him complete. Fit to serve, live, and love my Angel, and my God.