Still Breathing...

It has a slow progression whether I watch the clock and mark off each day on the calender or not...Not what I expected, and more difficult to endure in light of recent revelations. I want to just vanish, and reappear in a parallel universe light-years away where life just happens the way I picture it in my mind. I am a shop trying not to shut down. I am rapidly losing the ability to define what it is that I want except for a choice few unchanging desires. I am resilient, yet this....this is harder to put aside as I progress down an already uncertain road. God knows what I want, what I do, and what is, are often some of the most dissimilar things in my life....I'm a type of Paul, just no where near his level of spiritual connection to God. I am one in a million...this becomes more evident with every passing day. Unique can be lonely.
I write this knowing full well it will make little sense to those who read it...but it's written for me...I can say though, that I am blessed beyond measure. I have health, life, and people who truly care about me. But I lack stability just left of center...it's crazy how much the heart can dictate the mood, or health of the rest of the being. Sleep, is an odd occurrence. At times it brings visions of my greatest hopes...and at others it provides images of my worst fears. Sometimes my dreams just lack any hint of logic or sense.
The sum of my best efforts and intentions is sometimes zero. I am not going to give up or yield to this seeming onslaught of unfavorable circumstances though. So long as I can hold to the unchanging hand of God, I can place one foot in front of the other in hopes of progress. There is yet light at the end of this tunnel, and I will continue until I reach it, or until there is nothing but darkness. Resilience must become my closest ally. Love is still my strongest motivator...for God, and for others.

This isn't over...it comes in stages and breaks upon the pillars of my being as waves do a rocky shore; should the edifice of my soul remain steadfast upon one of two conclusions, then it will have been well worth it and I shall at last find that peace of love for which I so intensely yearn.