Seeing where I want to be

Even though it was 93 degrees outside and sunny, today started out an overcast day. I received rather discouraging news while having a teleconference between my father, brother, and myself. It appeared as though I wouldn't be able to return to my school for my senior year, putting me behind by at least a semester and possibly forcing me to return home...all of the above possibilities were totally undesirable at this point in my life. I have set goals for myself which I would very much so like to accomplish over the next few years, and finishing my college education is one of the most important ones, upon which many of the others are dependent. The success of my future, as it appears to my finite and young speculation, is contingent upon me finishing my time at my university and procuring my degrees. After languishing in bed at the thought of having to plan a less than ideal 6-12 months, I had a devotion, and prayer in which I earnestly entreated God to provide a way for me to return to Southern for my final year(s). I was impressed to apply once again for a loan which my credit had been insufficient to receive earlier. I had planned on doing this, just not until the end of the summer... I almost didn't do it, but I said to myself, "all they can do is say no again." After putting in all my information and praying multiple times before proceeding to the credit check, I actually couldn't believe my eyes when the screen showed that I had been approved for the loan...I was elated and just blown away by the grace of God to this sinful individual who constantly falls short of His expectations...I knew that had I not been able to return to school, I still wouldn't have had the right to complain (though I would have been very inclined to do so) because I would still be far more blessed than many people on this planet. Like a lightning rod, I am just struck over and over again by God's grace. After I found out I was approved, it was like a the clouds had cleared and for just a second later that night, I could see how beautiful it could be after everything falls into place if I follow God's leading...It's going to take some work to get there though...

Hibernation of the Halcyon

Life has, as of recent years, transitioned from a more carefree state, to being permeated by necessitous tasks and littered with situations which demand near immediate attention to avoid tiny crisis. Thinking on summers long gone, I can recall them being filled with lazy afternoons, the frivolous pursuit of childish amusement, and the simple joys of having to adhere to no rigid schedule. My summers in the past few years have been focused on working and making enough money to persuade my university to allow me to return for yet another year of education. I can remember when I was home-schooled and woke up minutes before noon to prepare a breakfast worthy of a king, or at least a duke, and then proceeded to watch Sesame Street and The Price is Right, before quickly completing the HW left for me by my parents before they returned home from work...or my high school years where I could coast through classes and maintain an honor roll GPA, while devoting most of my efforts to enjoying the part of school which I have always valued the most..the people.
Now life provides less room for this dolce far niente that I treasured so much. I notice the luxury of carefree existence slipping through my fingers, to be replaced by obligation and practicality.
It isn't that I fear or dislike work. I suppose I just feel as though I have to change my expectation for what life will send my way. I have to assume the mindset of one who will have to work substantially to reach those goals that I have set. I am not so fortunate as to be born into an affluence which would allow me to maintain carefree behavior well into my adult years.
I accept that such things must be, for this is the hand which has been dealt me, but I refuse to become calloused, jaded, or grave due to the demands of life. I would much rather retain my jovial spirits and playful vigor, for in doing so I believe it will be an asset to me when the duties of life weigh down on me hard.
Besides, should I yield to the demand for a more work oriented attitude, it will, hopefully, pay off in end with yet another stage of blissful inactivity....

It all depends on ?who? takes the shot...

A trigger is designed for the purpose of setting in motion a chain of events which are intended to end with the cessation of a life...however it is not the trigger that does the killing, that's the woeful duty of the bullet. I, along with every other person in existence, am a trigger. We are, by our actions placing ourselves in the hands of God or Satan. Though the tiny and seemingly insignificant actions and gestures we perform from day to day rarely cause the immediate death of individuals in our lives, they can be little catalysts propelling people in either a positive or negative direction. We may never even come in contact with the "bullet" but we can be the ones responsible for its flight. Every action no matter how small tends toward the edification or razing of those in our live. I would rather be a weapon in the hands of God, a warrior of justice and righteousness, then a tool in the hands of a being who is the sole cause of suffering and pain in life...

So...how fast was I going?

IT SEEMS LIKE LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I DIDN'T WANT THE THINGS THAT I COULDN'T HAVE. I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TRYING TO TAKE HOLD OF THINGS THAT ARE MILES BEYOND MY REACH. WHAT I WOULD DO FOR A SENSE OF CONTENTMENT; FOR A PERFECT SATISFACTION WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE. I LOOK AT THE ACCOUNTS OF PAUL IN THE BIBLE, AND DEEPLY DESIRE TO KNOW THE TOTAL PEACE THAT HE HAD, NO MATTER THE SITUATION, BUT THESE COMPACT LITTLE FIRES BURN INSIDE ME WITH A HEARTFELT INTENSITY AND THE MATERIALS TO QUENCH THEM ARE NOT YET ATTAINABLE. GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SOMEWHERE OFF IN THE DISTANT YEARS, I WILL BE ABLE TO DOUSE THE FIRES WITHIN BUT UNTIL THEN I IMPLORE GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON IN SPITE....IN SPITE OF THE INTERNAL ACCELERATOR THAT'S ALWAYS DEPRESSED BY THE LEAD FOOT OF MY NATURE; IN SPITE OF THE CALLING TO BE A THOUSAND PLACES OTHER THAN WHERE I AM; IN SPITE OF THE DESIRE TO EXPERIENCE STAGES OF LIFE THAT AREN'T AVAILABLE TO ME. I AM A VIPER IN A LAND OF NEONS; I AM WIRED TO GO FAST...I JUST HOPE GOD CAN HELP ME ENJOY THE MANY BLESSING HE HAS SCATTERED ALONG THE ROAD AND AT ALL THE TINY PIT STOPS ON THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION...

Sweetness of Night

What is it that keeps me visiting these early morning hours?
What demands my consciousness when outside, creation sleeps?
Simply put, I remain awake because at this time I can commune with an Angel!
I loose nothing in this exchange, but I gain everything.
To bathe in the warm glow of her visage is more refreshing than a thousand sleeps.
The purity that radiates her smile, and the soothing tones of her voice...
They resonate in my mind long after we have reluctantly said "goodnight"
After our delightful dialog is done, I lay awake rehearsing the words she spoke
And dreaming of our next encounter...

This Storm is Me

The indecisive wind, that comes in heavy gusts, and soft sighs
The bleak grey that slowly fills the formerly blue skies
The drops that tentatively begin to fall, then tumultuously drown out the winds cry
The lightening's silent rage, and the thunder's deafening reply

This inclement weather is nature's reflection
Of my travailing spirit due to distant affection.