Fighter

Laid straight, I'm in conflict against many different variables. I'm constantly trying to subdue my own despicable nature, fighting to procure the funds for a much needed relocation, and endlessly trying to squelch the waves of melancholy and anger that lap at the doorstep of my heart each day. I've felt like I have served my sentence of unpleasant circumstances by now, but for some reason I am still...stuck. I'm trying to learn patience, love, self-control, and contentment but I fear I am doing a poor job. I want God to help me learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to from this ordeal so that it can be over. I'm tired of fighting so much to just maintain...I just want peace and to not have to fight anymore. Maybe that's too much to ask for this side of heaven and hell. Maybe I'll just have to keep fighting so as not to loose myself to the hatred of this life I feel growing inside of me. Maybe I'll have to keep fighting just to be able to thank God for the things I do have. Maybe I'll have to just fight on to be the Godly man she needs me to be, and maybe I'll have to fight to not prove all those people right who say I'm naive, passionate, and closed minded. Maybe this life is actually more about the surrender to God than the fight...perhaps if I can figure that part out, I can finally stop fighting.

God Hears the Crying Heart

God vindicates Himself all to often when He is under no such obligation to do so. Recently, He showed me (yet again) that He is always there for me and loves me regardless of if feel it or not. It's beautiful and also makes me feel so foolish for doubting such a pure and loving being as God. I DON'T understand His methods or even how they work, but I have experienced them too many times to continue to doubt their effectiveness! By His strength ad spirit, I need to develop a holy memory of His blessings and allow these to catch my slipping foot when I am pushed back by waves of doubt.

Existence

Life has been much toil and little joy in the past months. Many times, after feeling as though I had a grasp on the difficulty which assailed me, I was blindsided by a new dilemma or problem to be solved and simplified yet again. My words have oft been curses and my voice a yell because of the pain and exasperation I feel at the hands of fate and a silent God. I’m trying to do what I know to be the “right” thing, but like David, I see the path of the wicked or even morally neutral every day, and it is not fraught with the difficulties, rather it seems to be filled with blessings and carefree existence. I trouble myself to try and serve a “kind”, “loving”, and “attentive” God and I feel nothing but fatigue, longing, stress and intense palpable anger at my own powerlessness to change the circumstances of my life!
WHY?!
Why is it that in my times of greatest need can hear the voice of my God least? What do I do that I am not presently, to tap into this store of Christian energy and strength that enables people to charge into battle and immerge victorious time and time again? I know that I WANT to be holy and blameless and joyfully resilient, but I can’t do it! And as if the pressures of life weren’t enough already, they are compounded by the affects of my inability to cope with them.
I can see the person I wish I were…I can see that happy character, regardless of circumstance, always lending an uplifting word and never showing the slightest sign of doubt or fatigue. He loves completely and selflessly. He serves God without question…He seems to be everything I am not, and from the disconnect between who I am and who I wish I were spawns an intense hatred of myself and my existence. If I am destined to fall short of the expectations of all I love than why was I brought into this hellish and broken life? I didn’t ask to be some standard bearer on a rebel planet ruled by the demonic originator of evil. I did not request to be flung into battle against the hosts of hell with every waking moment, and every time I try to do right. Why is this fight mine?!!!
There is no passive stance. Even surrender to God is a fight. The peace spoken of in the Bible is a theory and a concept foreign to me. I have none. All I know is discord, stress, warring nature, and defeat. I don’t feel holy and I don’t feel loved.

ALL I want is for God to show me what this is about, what I can do to get through it, and to please just give me the strength, faith, and love that I need to come through a righteous man and husband….

Bleed earth to my unyielding grasp

Digging in. Enough ground has been lost...progress will come. I can not promise that I will proceed with grace but, I won't loose anymore to this hell I'm in. As the saying goes "death before dishonor" and I can truly see how the former could be preferred. God does not abandon those striving to serve and escape the vacuum of iniquity that is this life so I am entrusting my soul and happiness to Him. If He does not bring me through than I will die here, for my spirit can't survive the loss of this, its truest dream.