Existence

Life has been much toil and little joy in the past months. Many times, after feeling as though I had a grasp on the difficulty which assailed me, I was blindsided by a new dilemma or problem to be solved and simplified yet again. My words have oft been curses and my voice a yell because of the pain and exasperation I feel at the hands of fate and a silent God. I’m trying to do what I know to be the “right” thing, but like David, I see the path of the wicked or even morally neutral every day, and it is not fraught with the difficulties, rather it seems to be filled with blessings and carefree existence. I trouble myself to try and serve a “kind”, “loving”, and “attentive” God and I feel nothing but fatigue, longing, stress and intense palpable anger at my own powerlessness to change the circumstances of my life!
WHY?!
Why is it that in my times of greatest need can hear the voice of my God least? What do I do that I am not presently, to tap into this store of Christian energy and strength that enables people to charge into battle and immerge victorious time and time again? I know that I WANT to be holy and blameless and joyfully resilient, but I can’t do it! And as if the pressures of life weren’t enough already, they are compounded by the affects of my inability to cope with them.
I can see the person I wish I were…I can see that happy character, regardless of circumstance, always lending an uplifting word and never showing the slightest sign of doubt or fatigue. He loves completely and selflessly. He serves God without question…He seems to be everything I am not, and from the disconnect between who I am and who I wish I were spawns an intense hatred of myself and my existence. If I am destined to fall short of the expectations of all I love than why was I brought into this hellish and broken life? I didn’t ask to be some standard bearer on a rebel planet ruled by the demonic originator of evil. I did not request to be flung into battle against the hosts of hell with every waking moment, and every time I try to do right. Why is this fight mine?!!!
There is no passive stance. Even surrender to God is a fight. The peace spoken of in the Bible is a theory and a concept foreign to me. I have none. All I know is discord, stress, warring nature, and defeat. I don’t feel holy and I don’t feel loved.

ALL I want is for God to show me what this is about, what I can do to get through it, and to please just give me the strength, faith, and love that I need to come through a righteous man and husband….