Fighter

Laid straight, I'm in conflict against many different variables. I'm constantly trying to subdue my own despicable nature, fighting to procure the funds for a much needed relocation, and endlessly trying to squelch the waves of melancholy and anger that lap at the doorstep of my heart each day. I've felt like I have served my sentence of unpleasant circumstances by now, but for some reason I am still...stuck. I'm trying to learn patience, love, self-control, and contentment but I fear I am doing a poor job. I want God to help me learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to from this ordeal so that it can be over. I'm tired of fighting so much to just maintain...I just want peace and to not have to fight anymore. Maybe that's too much to ask for this side of heaven and hell. Maybe I'll just have to keep fighting so as not to loose myself to the hatred of this life I feel growing inside of me. Maybe I'll have to keep fighting just to be able to thank God for the things I do have. Maybe I'll have to just fight on to be the Godly man she needs me to be, and maybe I'll have to fight to not prove all those people right who say I'm naive, passionate, and closed minded. Maybe this life is actually more about the surrender to God than the fight...perhaps if I can figure that part out, I can finally stop fighting.