Hibernation of the Halcyon

Life has, as of recent years, transitioned from a more carefree state, to being permeated by necessitous tasks and littered with situations which demand near immediate attention to avoid tiny crisis. Thinking on summers long gone, I can recall them being filled with lazy afternoons, the frivolous pursuit of childish amusement, and the simple joys of having to adhere to no rigid schedule. My summers in the past few years have been focused on working and making enough money to persuade my university to allow me to return for yet another year of education. I can remember when I was home-schooled and woke up minutes before noon to prepare a breakfast worthy of a king, or at least a duke, and then proceeded to watch Sesame Street and The Price is Right, before quickly completing the HW left for me by my parents before they returned home from work...or my high school years where I could coast through classes and maintain an honor roll GPA, while devoting most of my efforts to enjoying the part of school which I have always valued the most..the people.
Now life provides less room for this dolce far niente that I treasured so much. I notice the luxury of carefree existence slipping through my fingers, to be replaced by obligation and practicality.
It isn't that I fear or dislike work. I suppose I just feel as though I have to change my expectation for what life will send my way. I have to assume the mindset of one who will have to work substantially to reach those goals that I have set. I am not so fortunate as to be born into an affluence which would allow me to maintain carefree behavior well into my adult years.
I accept that such things must be, for this is the hand which has been dealt me, but I refuse to become calloused, jaded, or grave due to the demands of life. I would much rather retain my jovial spirits and playful vigor, for in doing so I believe it will be an asset to me when the duties of life weigh down on me hard.
Besides, should I yield to the demand for a more work oriented attitude, it will, hopefully, pay off in end with yet another stage of blissful inactivity....

It all depends on ?who? takes the shot...

A trigger is designed for the purpose of setting in motion a chain of events which are intended to end with the cessation of a life...however it is not the trigger that does the killing, that's the woeful duty of the bullet. I, along with every other person in existence, am a trigger. We are, by our actions placing ourselves in the hands of God or Satan. Though the tiny and seemingly insignificant actions and gestures we perform from day to day rarely cause the immediate death of individuals in our lives, they can be little catalysts propelling people in either a positive or negative direction. We may never even come in contact with the "bullet" but we can be the ones responsible for its flight. Every action no matter how small tends toward the edification or razing of those in our live. I would rather be a weapon in the hands of God, a warrior of justice and righteousness, then a tool in the hands of a being who is the sole cause of suffering and pain in life...

So...how fast was I going?

IT SEEMS LIKE LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I DIDN'T WANT THE THINGS THAT I COULDN'T HAVE. I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TRYING TO TAKE HOLD OF THINGS THAT ARE MILES BEYOND MY REACH. WHAT I WOULD DO FOR A SENSE OF CONTENTMENT; FOR A PERFECT SATISFACTION WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE. I LOOK AT THE ACCOUNTS OF PAUL IN THE BIBLE, AND DEEPLY DESIRE TO KNOW THE TOTAL PEACE THAT HE HAD, NO MATTER THE SITUATION, BUT THESE COMPACT LITTLE FIRES BURN INSIDE ME WITH A HEARTFELT INTENSITY AND THE MATERIALS TO QUENCH THEM ARE NOT YET ATTAINABLE. GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SOMEWHERE OFF IN THE DISTANT YEARS, I WILL BE ABLE TO DOUSE THE FIRES WITHIN BUT UNTIL THEN I IMPLORE GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON IN SPITE....IN SPITE OF THE INTERNAL ACCELERATOR THAT'S ALWAYS DEPRESSED BY THE LEAD FOOT OF MY NATURE; IN SPITE OF THE CALLING TO BE A THOUSAND PLACES OTHER THAN WHERE I AM; IN SPITE OF THE DESIRE TO EXPERIENCE STAGES OF LIFE THAT AREN'T AVAILABLE TO ME. I AM A VIPER IN A LAND OF NEONS; I AM WIRED TO GO FAST...I JUST HOPE GOD CAN HELP ME ENJOY THE MANY BLESSING HE HAS SCATTERED ALONG THE ROAD AND AT ALL THE TINY PIT STOPS ON THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION...

Sweetness of Night

What is it that keeps me visiting these early morning hours?
What demands my consciousness when outside, creation sleeps?
Simply put, I remain awake because at this time I can commune with an Angel!
I loose nothing in this exchange, but I gain everything.
To bathe in the warm glow of her visage is more refreshing than a thousand sleeps.
The purity that radiates her smile, and the soothing tones of her voice...
They resonate in my mind long after we have reluctantly said "goodnight"
After our delightful dialog is done, I lay awake rehearsing the words she spoke
And dreaming of our next encounter...

This Storm is Me

The indecisive wind, that comes in heavy gusts, and soft sighs
The bleak grey that slowly fills the formerly blue skies
The drops that tentatively begin to fall, then tumultuously drown out the winds cry
The lightening's silent rage, and the thunder's deafening reply

This inclement weather is nature's reflection
Of my travailing spirit due to distant affection.

Walking into the Wind

My form is indefinite and changing as observed from a distance.
I am disheveled and unkempt..but my progression is notable.
My head is angled down, and my feet dig into the ground with every step.
I bend my knees to place my feet, and lock them out and push forward to gain ground...
I am not weary
I am not tired
Frustrated....barely.
I am tried
And the intention is to be refined and found worthy
I have determined my path
Once, in the distance, apparently in a clear serene valley , I saw a road which beckoned my feet to walk it...
After the first few steps I caught glimpse of a glorious destination at road's end..but for only an instant, for my eyes were shut by a howling wind which blew in direct opposition to my desired path.
While my eyes stayed clinched closed, the image of that place, that oasis amidst an arid existence, was clear in my mind, and it fueled my body in its progression...and it burns rich yet.
This wind has been the one constant in my journey. It has always bid me return to the place from whenst I came, but I still see the image...
As I fight this invisible force, I know that what is distant, is worth my toils.
I have evaluated, speculated, and contemplated what is now before me, what lies behind, and what is my immediate surrounding.
All these drive me forward.
I am set against the wind. I have faltered, but not fallen. I am wearied but not yet exhausted...
Let winds howl, whip, and push against me...for the force by which I am driven is greater than this wind which I now advance into.

Still Breathing...

It has a slow progression whether I watch the clock and mark off each day on the calender or not...Not what I expected, and more difficult to endure in light of recent revelations. I want to just vanish, and reappear in a parallel universe light-years away where life just happens the way I picture it in my mind. I am a shop trying not to shut down. I am rapidly losing the ability to define what it is that I want except for a choice few unchanging desires. I am resilient, yet this....this is harder to put aside as I progress down an already uncertain road. God knows what I want, what I do, and what is, are often some of the most dissimilar things in my life....I'm a type of Paul, just no where near his level of spiritual connection to God. I am one in a million...this becomes more evident with every passing day. Unique can be lonely.
I write this knowing full well it will make little sense to those who read it...but it's written for me...I can say though, that I am blessed beyond measure. I have health, life, and people who truly care about me. But I lack stability just left of center...it's crazy how much the heart can dictate the mood, or health of the rest of the being. Sleep, is an odd occurrence. At times it brings visions of my greatest hopes...and at others it provides images of my worst fears. Sometimes my dreams just lack any hint of logic or sense.
The sum of my best efforts and intentions is sometimes zero. I am not going to give up or yield to this seeming onslaught of unfavorable circumstances though. So long as I can hold to the unchanging hand of God, I can place one foot in front of the other in hopes of progress. There is yet light at the end of this tunnel, and I will continue until I reach it, or until there is nothing but darkness. Resilience must become my closest ally. Love is still my strongest motivator...for God, and for others.

This isn't over...it comes in stages and breaks upon the pillars of my being as waves do a rocky shore; should the edifice of my soul remain steadfast upon one of two conclusions, then it will have been well worth it and I shall at last find that peace of love for which I so intensely yearn.

Thankfully Risen

This day started slowly...
Many times I turned over in my half-made bed trying to obtain a few more seconds of sweet sleep.
I was unready to rise when my feet hit the floor, and unwilling to walk when I opened my door.
In retrospect,I am glad That I did because if I hadn't, a plethora of blessing would have been missed.
I would have missed a message at church which ignited a small flame within me to do more to take the love of Christ to a thirsting world, and make no mistake about it, they are thirsting...
I would have been deprived the opportunity to fellowship with part of my church family and close friends...
I wouldn't have been able to converse with the object of my affection for a few precious hours..
I wouldn't have been able to take in the beauty of nature which a loving God has graciously provided to me...
I wouldn't have been able to commune with my Creator, and patient Savior...

For these and many other reasons, right now...
I am thankful that He caused me to rise.

Compendium #2

At present I am typing this vapid post which will provide maybe one other person ;) with some reading material which is fine with me because the writing of it was enjoyably done while listening to a song by the Kooks....I like the Kooks. Every now and then Myphone would sing out in jazzy tones that I had received a text message from an adorable person, and a few other not so adorables teehee. I am simply determined to do an absurd amount of writage over this summer due to the fact that a certain someone won't be around, so I must keep busy so as to stay out of trouble,and keep my mind from wandering down the sadness inducing streets of my thoughts filled with memories of her. The Sabbath readily approacheth, and i look forward to trying to get a bit of quality time in with my God, who btw, has been extremely merciful and gracious as of late (being the past 20 years of my life)...If you didn't know already, God is just awesome and blesses people so much more than they deserve..I'm raising my hand right now because that last sentence was definitely about me. Ifn you did know, tell a friend (or stranger)...Well that's aboot it for now. I think I am off to explore the great outdoors of a place not all together unfamiliar to me.
Toodle Pips!!

* all misspellings and made up words in this post were intended...except for the ones that were accidents.

Popcorn Jelly Beans...

I like 'em...found out yesterday. Go thou and figure!