Intransigent Being

Says the ant unto its maker "Toil I on from dusk till dawn"
Says the cue ball to the breaker, "I am fit so strike hereon"
Says the needle to the Seamstress, "mend thy tears and patch frayed holes"
Says this man to God the Righteous "I refuse to yield my soul"


Through human knowledge and earthly strength, I am not that for which I was created. Only by the grace of God, and with His might can my nature be abated.

Publicly Posted Soliloquy

Aha.....haha
This just keeps getting better
Those things that I had thought might not go through, have indeed fallen short.
I play the perpetual optimist for in doing so, I maintain sanity, but sometimes, for like a split second, I just feel like being a realist...then I remember...
My character, personalty and very genetic make-up are not at all suited for that perspective...furthermore (there's always more...it's just that sometimes I don't feel like typing it, nor do I know how) my God, according to human perception, is anything but realistic... awesome fact and reason to refuse realism, or a crutch the size of Rhode Island for me to lean on and ignore the apparent lack of evidence to aim for certain goals I have.... heheh I'll go with the former. Thanks for listening...

No problem.

Good Morning...Let's Set it on Fire...

The saying,"there is nothing new under the sun" creeps into my mind like the bits of light which now creep through my window and repel the literal army of shadows that have overrun my room. I awoke to this day before the sun's fire dance could be seen, and now I wonder what is it that makes today unique from any other? Will it by some Divine act, yields an epiphany to this starved child of routine, or bring the refreshing rains of acquaintances missed? I lay here thinking to myself "I would love to run through the glades of the extraordinary today; to gallop on that black horse of my imagination and take flight on my wildest dreams made reality by..." therein lies my problem... I know no human means by which to attain the goals my mind has set for its ultimate satisfaction. Even those which can be described as possible, seem so far out of my reach, or at least in the far to distant future.
SO...this morning from the lips of a repeat offender in the universe of fallen man, and from the lack-luster mind of one sick of the deluge of mediocrity that is my existence, and the swim through unsavory ideas that is my daily journey. With clinched fists and gritted teeth to the heart of a wounded warrior, and with every beat of that same dieing heart I cry out from inside of my God-given mental-space to the Giver.....


Blow my mind today with the revelation of only a fraction of what You are capable of, for all of You, would end my life. In a Mosaic fashion I want You to dazzle me!

Epicenter of Suffering

A race capable of macabre malignance and malevolent desires
And capable still, of compassion in polar opposite contrast
The same hand that pulls the trigger, places the blow, and buries the blade
May come full circle to protect the harassed, mend the wound, and calm the spirit.

What is it that drives one to become a hardened scenic and pessimist
Having been exposed to the same hardships, and toils of the petrified optimist?
Why do those seeking the alleviation, of those suffering from the human condition
Receive a battery of discouragement and undue opposition,
While the contributors to the pool of social refuse are welcomed often times
With profound adulation, as the righteous dwell in solitude born of derision.

What is the human condition?
Were it that of externally directed consideration, the crisis of this age wouldn’t be.
Were it a pervading air of philanthropy, few would be the cries of the hungry
And the bellies bloated of starvation in greed induced desolation.

I do not believe that people live in such condition out of laziness
I believe that mankind is so internally focused, and driven by immediate personal gain
That without having methods of compensation, a country with gross excess of means
Would sooner allow them to go to waste on the shelf of grocery stores than donate them
To a humanitarian cause.
This too me is the human condition.
Our inability to see beyond our own hierarchy of needs.
But our condition is but a symptom of a universal malady which is
Beyond the effect of modern medicine. It is supernatural in origin,
Thus it demands the attention of the Divine Physician, who alone posses the cure
I can’t claim exemption from the human condition and it’s source
I know only the method by which one can be freed of it
Though at times I choose not to use it

In closing I suppose this to be an introspective look at the shortfalls of a race
As seen from one of it’s prime perpetrators. Perfection is beyond my finite reach,
But should I someday, become wise enough and disgusted by my own abominable state
The doors of His clinic are perpetually open to those awakened to their state
In the hour when we realize why we are devoid of true love,
We will be at the threshold of an age where the human condition is no more.
Instead we will reflect an image that can do noting but seek the ultimate good of those around it
And in doing so benefits itself ultimately

Seeing where I want to be

Even though it was 93 degrees outside and sunny, today started out an overcast day. I received rather discouraging news while having a teleconference between my father, brother, and myself. It appeared as though I wouldn't be able to return to my school for my senior year, putting me behind by at least a semester and possibly forcing me to return home...all of the above possibilities were totally undesirable at this point in my life. I have set goals for myself which I would very much so like to accomplish over the next few years, and finishing my college education is one of the most important ones, upon which many of the others are dependent. The success of my future, as it appears to my finite and young speculation, is contingent upon me finishing my time at my university and procuring my degrees. After languishing in bed at the thought of having to plan a less than ideal 6-12 months, I had a devotion, and prayer in which I earnestly entreated God to provide a way for me to return to Southern for my final year(s). I was impressed to apply once again for a loan which my credit had been insufficient to receive earlier. I had planned on doing this, just not until the end of the summer... I almost didn't do it, but I said to myself, "all they can do is say no again." After putting in all my information and praying multiple times before proceeding to the credit check, I actually couldn't believe my eyes when the screen showed that I had been approved for the loan...I was elated and just blown away by the grace of God to this sinful individual who constantly falls short of His expectations...I knew that had I not been able to return to school, I still wouldn't have had the right to complain (though I would have been very inclined to do so) because I would still be far more blessed than many people on this planet. Like a lightning rod, I am just struck over and over again by God's grace. After I found out I was approved, it was like a the clouds had cleared and for just a second later that night, I could see how beautiful it could be after everything falls into place if I follow God's leading...It's going to take some work to get there though...

Hibernation of the Halcyon

Life has, as of recent years, transitioned from a more carefree state, to being permeated by necessitous tasks and littered with situations which demand near immediate attention to avoid tiny crisis. Thinking on summers long gone, I can recall them being filled with lazy afternoons, the frivolous pursuit of childish amusement, and the simple joys of having to adhere to no rigid schedule. My summers in the past few years have been focused on working and making enough money to persuade my university to allow me to return for yet another year of education. I can remember when I was home-schooled and woke up minutes before noon to prepare a breakfast worthy of a king, or at least a duke, and then proceeded to watch Sesame Street and The Price is Right, before quickly completing the HW left for me by my parents before they returned home from work...or my high school years where I could coast through classes and maintain an honor roll GPA, while devoting most of my efforts to enjoying the part of school which I have always valued the most..the people.
Now life provides less room for this dolce far niente that I treasured so much. I notice the luxury of carefree existence slipping through my fingers, to be replaced by obligation and practicality.
It isn't that I fear or dislike work. I suppose I just feel as though I have to change my expectation for what life will send my way. I have to assume the mindset of one who will have to work substantially to reach those goals that I have set. I am not so fortunate as to be born into an affluence which would allow me to maintain carefree behavior well into my adult years.
I accept that such things must be, for this is the hand which has been dealt me, but I refuse to become calloused, jaded, or grave due to the demands of life. I would much rather retain my jovial spirits and playful vigor, for in doing so I believe it will be an asset to me when the duties of life weigh down on me hard.
Besides, should I yield to the demand for a more work oriented attitude, it will, hopefully, pay off in end with yet another stage of blissful inactivity....

It all depends on ?who? takes the shot...

A trigger is designed for the purpose of setting in motion a chain of events which are intended to end with the cessation of a life...however it is not the trigger that does the killing, that's the woeful duty of the bullet. I, along with every other person in existence, am a trigger. We are, by our actions placing ourselves in the hands of God or Satan. Though the tiny and seemingly insignificant actions and gestures we perform from day to day rarely cause the immediate death of individuals in our lives, they can be little catalysts propelling people in either a positive or negative direction. We may never even come in contact with the "bullet" but we can be the ones responsible for its flight. Every action no matter how small tends toward the edification or razing of those in our live. I would rather be a weapon in the hands of God, a warrior of justice and righteousness, then a tool in the hands of a being who is the sole cause of suffering and pain in life...

So...how fast was I going?

IT SEEMS LIKE LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I DIDN'T WANT THE THINGS THAT I COULDN'T HAVE. I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH MY ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TRYING TO TAKE HOLD OF THINGS THAT ARE MILES BEYOND MY REACH. WHAT I WOULD DO FOR A SENSE OF CONTENTMENT; FOR A PERFECT SATISFACTION WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE. I LOOK AT THE ACCOUNTS OF PAUL IN THE BIBLE, AND DEEPLY DESIRE TO KNOW THE TOTAL PEACE THAT HE HAD, NO MATTER THE SITUATION, BUT THESE COMPACT LITTLE FIRES BURN INSIDE ME WITH A HEARTFELT INTENSITY AND THE MATERIALS TO QUENCH THEM ARE NOT YET ATTAINABLE. GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SOMEWHERE OFF IN THE DISTANT YEARS, I WILL BE ABLE TO DOUSE THE FIRES WITHIN BUT UNTIL THEN I IMPLORE GOD FOR THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON IN SPITE....IN SPITE OF THE INTERNAL ACCELERATOR THAT'S ALWAYS DEPRESSED BY THE LEAD FOOT OF MY NATURE; IN SPITE OF THE CALLING TO BE A THOUSAND PLACES OTHER THAN WHERE I AM; IN SPITE OF THE DESIRE TO EXPERIENCE STAGES OF LIFE THAT AREN'T AVAILABLE TO ME. I AM A VIPER IN A LAND OF NEONS; I AM WIRED TO GO FAST...I JUST HOPE GOD CAN HELP ME ENJOY THE MANY BLESSING HE HAS SCATTERED ALONG THE ROAD AND AT ALL THE TINY PIT STOPS ON THE WAY TO MY DESTINATION...

Sweetness of Night

What is it that keeps me visiting these early morning hours?
What demands my consciousness when outside, creation sleeps?
Simply put, I remain awake because at this time I can commune with an Angel!
I loose nothing in this exchange, but I gain everything.
To bathe in the warm glow of her visage is more refreshing than a thousand sleeps.
The purity that radiates her smile, and the soothing tones of her voice...
They resonate in my mind long after we have reluctantly said "goodnight"
After our delightful dialog is done, I lay awake rehearsing the words she spoke
And dreaming of our next encounter...

This Storm is Me

The indecisive wind, that comes in heavy gusts, and soft sighs
The bleak grey that slowly fills the formerly blue skies
The drops that tentatively begin to fall, then tumultuously drown out the winds cry
The lightening's silent rage, and the thunder's deafening reply

This inclement weather is nature's reflection
Of my travailing spirit due to distant affection.